Monday, May 13, 2013

Well F*ck, That's Over

Today, I woke up with a flurry of emotions.  I had two papers to turn in.  Two LAST papers.  Two papers that were pretty much done a week ago that I've putzed with for the last week.  I just had to make a couple of changes, proof, search for contractions, etc.  In an hour, I'd basically be done with them.

However, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to get up and move.  I was just so incredibly overwhelmed that I couldn't manage it.

My boyfriend thought I was nuts.  He had already gotten up and decided to walk my dog for me because, well, he's a nice guy.  He probably had no clue, or so I thought, what was going on.

And for that reason, I didn't want to say. When he asked me what I even had left to do that day, knowing both of my papers were due by about 4 PM that time, he assumed I'd say, "Oh, well, nothing really" and get my big butt out of bed.  However, I just burst into tears and sobbed.

It wasn't until this morning that it had dawned on me that it's over.  Really over.  Coursework is done. Yes, I am electing to take a summer course this summer - mainly because I want to learn more about communication and content analysis but this was my last semester. I never have to do this again, right?

And now what?  Comps.  I immediately said, "I'm going to fail comps."  But he denied that and assured me that I wouldn't fail my stupid comps because, well, he's my boyfriend.  And he's just telling me what all the other faculty members I know have been telling me.  So, he's not in the minority.

But it was clear that I had been delaying handing things in for the first time in my life.  What do I do from here?  What can I do?  It's frightening and today, it's real.

So, I've talked about it a lot leading up to this point but today it hit me.  I've got to pass these comps.  I'm gonna study like I mean it but no one can ever be assured a pass.  And then what?  What do I do after that? Work on a dissertation?  I'm just so floored that I feel this way.

I rode my bike because, well, what else was I gonna do?  Yes, of course, I have a stack of papers to grade and sure I'll have finals on Friday but my calendar is free for a bit.  I deserve a break, right?

I rode my bike with strength- abandon even!  I mean, what else was I gonna do?  It's stressful to think about the future.  It's normal to feel that way. But I feel like everything's changing.  The bike may be the only constant.


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